Pondering Wednesdays

For the second week on the trot I have had a quiet Wednesday and for the second Wednesday on the trot I have been pondering.

Today tho' I took my pondering onto the road and went visiting a potential parish. It has been a lovely day here so I was able to park up have a wee wander round, pop into a cafe for a cup of tea, buy my sandwich for lunch from a surly shop assistant in what was otherwise a lovely shop, snoop at the churches, snoop at the manse, snoop at the schools (lots of snooping you will note), more snooping at views and generally getting a feel for the place. It is a place that I can be fairly anonymous in - although I did bump into some friends - who sussed out exactly what I was up to. (Funnily enough they live just across the road from the manse!)I sometimes think now would be a good time to have Harry Potter as a friend and the be able to borrow his invisibility cloak!!

Anyway I found the trip very helpful and it certainly has me pondering even more....this was a parish I really didn't think I was interested in but... mmmm. I realise I am in for a lot more pondering.

The good news is tho' that I have got over my wobbles (hence the weebles above)from last Wednesday and feel much more in control. I was reminded by a good friend of a wee saying I have posted on my wall (although currently obscured by my printer)It goes:

If God brings you to it
he will bring you through it.

I was originally given this by a young man, who recently asked me if I would conduct his wedding next year. It goes on:

Lord I love you and I need you,
come into my heart today.
For without you I can do nothing

Amen to that!

Reality Strikes!

confused,
excited,
scared,
pursued,
happy,
questioning,
uncertain,

I am a mixed bag of emotions at the moment - it has been a busy few weeks and I really haven't had much time to reflect on what is happening at the moment. I am trying really hard to take one step at a time - but things/others are really not letting that happen. Today is the first day in over a fortnight when I have really had time on my own and the peace to work through how I am feeling - and the list above just about covers it.

I really am loving my placement at the moment - so much going on and so much to be involved in. And I really do feel part of it all. But I know that just around the corner change is about to happen - change that keeps peeking round the corner at ME! As much as I have resisted peeking round that particular corner - it keeps peeking at me. If it were just me that was affected then I might be dealing with it a bit better but it affects so many people...people I love....people I don't even know...

Argh!!!

Lord,
I am so trying to hear your voice amidst the noise,
help me get rid of the tinnitus distracting me,
help me work through your plan,
keep those I love close to me,
let them see that they are important.
This is my prayer.
Amen

Endings and beginnings

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1

This week I have made a big decision and carried it through. As you may be aware from some of my posts I have been heavily involved in a youth project in my town, both as a director and as a volunteer. A number of factors have 'helped' me reach the decision that I should no longer remain on the Board of Directors.

This has been quite a difficult decision and one that wasn't without the need for tissues. But for all concerned I feel the time has come to step back. The next year will be one of huge change for us as a family and breaking ties is one of the things we have to do. I also feel that I am no longer able to contribute in the way I would want to.

But I am sad. Sad that this point has come, sad that I will no longer be part of seeing the vision of the project through and sad that I was the last of the 'original' Board members.

But as the writer of Ecclesiastes so clearly puts it - there is a time for everything - and this time has come.

I am immensely proud of what our project has achieved and hope it can continue to help young people grow and develop. The young people I have been in contact with over the last 6 years or so are what the project is about.


And so I now turn a new corner and feeling less stressed and weighed down I can concentrate on enjoying the remaining months on placement. I can look forward to the challenges of the next year with one less tie to break. There will be more, but I have made a start!!

How many 'me's are there?

This is the question posed by Stewart. He puts it slightly differently but essentially he asks how many different aspects are there to your life/persona. Here is what I posted in reply:

"Like you there is the ‘me’ that is in and of the world - I am involved in my community, I socialise in that same community - go to the pub, the gym, the shops. I love my community - I grew up in it, I cant walk down the street without bumping into lots of people that I know and who have known me for a long long time. I am a mother and wife - my kids and hubby are very precious to me. All of this part of me has helped shape me into the forty something I am.

I too have worked for the ‘church’ albeit the denomination I belong to. I now find myself training for the ministry in that same church. I have never been more content in what I ‘do’. It feels so right - whether it is leading worship or sitting holding an old lady’s hand whilst she tells me what is worrying her or even joining in with the kids at Sundays school. This ‘me’ is a content me. Working for the church allowed me to find this person.

At the moment because I am on a placement in a different town to that in which I live - these two ‘me’s don't seem to meet very often. Except, perhaps, when I know someone that someone else knows. The family don’t come to church with me - they prefer their long lies and work. But they do support me - 100%. For us, what might cause others conflict or concern, seems to work quite well. And that is despite the fact that in around a years time I might be asking them to leave our home and community to set up somewhere new. (Ask me again about this in a years time!!!)

Can I reconcile these two ‘me’s? I think I can. The two may only collide in me the person - but they both contribute to the whole ‘me’. They both influence the way I look at the world. There is cross pollination - I live my life in my community with an ethic and outlook shaped by my faith. My faith is in turn influenced by the world around me. And that is the way I think it should be."


I now want to go a step further and make this observation: I am a Christian and I belong to a community of faith BUT that does not exclude me from being of the world and community in which I live. My faith, as I said above, has helped shape me. But so has my community. I care about my community and in so doing I get involved. I have on a number of occasions got stuck in and joined various committees - including an action group to campaign for new play equipment for the local park, I have been chair of the Playgroup Committee, the School Board and even sat on the Community Council. I have for the last 6/7 years been heavily involved in a youth project in the town. But I am not sure that I ever thought to myself "I am a Christian and as such I must go out and help"- I have helped because I saw a need - I wanted to help.

Perhaps my faith has encouraged me to want to help - but it has not been my conscious motivator. I have instinctively got involved. And that is the crux of - instinctively I serve. Perhaps this is where my two 'me's collide?

One thing I am certain of is that God has called me to serve the church and my community - it is not one or the other, it's both. Not for me the Hauerwas world of Christians leaving the Christian huddles and 'doing' good works in the world before scurrying back to their Christian huddles. For me it is important to live in the world and be of the world. That is how I can best live out my faith and best share that love of God with others.

Sorry for the rather lengthy post - blame Stewart for getting me thinking!!!

Parental love

"You are my Son, chosen and marked by my love, pride of my life." Mark 1:11 The Message

At the grand old age of 40 (well for the next six weeks anyway) you would think that I would feel all grown up and quite independent of my parents. The truth is that I still look to my parents for their approval. Not for everything - my mums face was a picture when she saw our holiday snaps, once she got over the shock of my wearing a bikini (too skimpy apparently) her eyes then stopped on the tattoo on my upper thigh! But for bigger more important things. Having them at my graduation earlier this year was a BIG thing for them and it was a BIG thing for me too, having them there. I know that at that moment that they were proud of me - I was fulfilling my promise; this was for them too.


As a parent myself I am extremely proud of both my kids. They are both very different but both wonderful and hopefully 'marked by my love' and definitely 'pride of my life.' I hope they do not feel that they are constantly having to seek my approval. I hope I tell them often enough how much I love them and how proud I am of them. (Not that they are perfect - know one is!!!)

God - Abba - Daddy. As a daughter of God, I know that I am loved. And I know that my heavenly daddy might not always be best pleased with me. Perhaps I ignore him too often, or I do and say things that must make him frown. But regardless I know he loves me. He is the parent I want to be.

"You are my Son, chosen and marked by my love, pride of my life."

Feeling Blah & Letting Go.........

I have been feeling really 'blah' this week. Full of the cold - one minute feeling fine, the next washed out. Thankfully I have not done much probationary stuff other than turn for office hours, prepare lunchtime worship, lead lunchtime worship and oh yes! endure presbytery. In between that I have rehearsed with the 'Orchestra' for the school's production of Calamity Jane and last night we did had the first performance and tonight the second and final. I also helped welcome the new CEO to the youth project I am involved in.

This last 'activity' has caused me a wee bit stress. We had the interviews a few weeks ago and decided to appoint a very enthusiastic person, who in the space of 2 weeks has been appointed, moved up from Lanarkshire and started work yesterday. So I have been in constant contact, advising and helping where I can - doing my best to make his move smooth and his welcome warm. But that's not the cause of the stress. The stress comes from realising that I have to let go. For the last 5/6 years I have been heavily involved in the setting up of a youth project in my home town. Its not a church project and doesn't have a 'Christian' slant. It simply grew out of a wish of the young people to have somewhere in the centre of town where they could hang out.

A small group of us got together and worked with the young people and in November 2003 the project opened its doors. It has not all been plain sailing and we have had our run ins with the authorities (planning departments!!! grrr!!!) and the neighbours (young people can be noisy!) but we have also built up some fantastic relationships with the police and other interested agencies. The project has grown dramatically recently - we own two buildings - a former function suite where the main project is based and a cafe that is run as a training facility for young people.

We employ a range of support workers - from mental health, employability and a intensive support. A new addictions project for young people had just started working out of our building. So just about any issue a young person can present with, we have someone to help. But the project has simply got too big for a group of volunteer directors, who all have full time jobs, to manage on their own. Hence the CEO. (I have taken it as read that you understand the joys of funding youth projects and the work involved to keep funding in place for all these posts!) I am the only member of the Board left who was their at the beginning - or as I put it to the new CEO yesterday - I was there at the conception and now find myself handing control of the baby over to someone I don't know that well and I am having to trust them to continue to nurture it and look after it. HENCE THE STRESS!

I thought this moment would be one of relief, but instead I am like a worried parent with a kid off on a school trip. I know that ultimately I am still part of the Board which ultimately has the control, but I had been doing the day to day management. I was the one the staff relied on, the one holding it all together. Its hard letting go. But it has to be done - as part of this and in fairness to the CEO and the project I asked for someone else to be their line manager and thankfully someone volunteered!

As well as being on the Board I am also a volunteer at our friday drop-in. So I will still be heavily involved. But I say it again - letting go is hard.

This really is a very exciting time for our project - our vision of a one stop shop for young people is being fulfilled. And the young people are the important ones in all this. I have seen lives turned round by the work we do. I have seen young people grow into confident young women and men because of what we do. I have seen homeless young people settled into tenancies with our help. I have seen young people secure their first proper job with our help. I have seen young people work through some pretty heavy personal and health issues with our help. I have seen young people smile and laugh and we did that.

So often young people are written off - I am glad to be part of something that writes no one off and see each and everyone young person and important.

For everyone an age of beauty...

They say everyone has an age into which they grow, or an age at which they are at their most attractive. This 'profound' thought came to me again as I watch a reply of last nights X factor. Take That kicked off the show and it crossed my mind for the first time (really!!) that Gary Barlow is actually quite attractive. I wondered why this is news to me - apparently millions have thought so for a very long time! But I think perhaps he has grown into his age/beautiful phase. He is older, has an air of confidence, has lost the cockiness of youth, there are a few lines around his eyes - but yip he is def an attractive man.

The image you have of yourself is important. I grew up a bit of a lanky tom boy. As a teen was a late developer - tall and gangly, not pretty (so I was told regularly) and inflicted with red hair and freckles.

It has taken me a long time to accept that I am who I am and I have the body and face that God gave me. And it has taken me until very recently to accept the fact that this is as good as it gets! I am forty years old and this seems to take people by surprise. Today I was told by a Doctor he thought I was only 24 - it was only when he heard I had teenage children that he realised I must be quite a bit older. This does of course help make me feel much better about myself (and confirm that all that money spent on moisturiser was worth it!)

Where I am heading with this is to say that I think I may have grown into my age - I can now hold my head up and consider myself beautiful. Not beautiful in the conventional head turning, model/actress way. But beautiful in having a confidence about my body and self that shines - I can now love my freckles and appreciated by red hair (even if I have to chemically enhance it!) I can now accept that I have gifts to offer, I can do things and do them well. I know I am what I am, I know I am on a journey with God that has no end point, I know I am loved. What else matters? Don't get me wrong, I also know that I will have my moments of doubts.

We all have an 'age' - perhaps this is mine.

Thank you Mark

I have been putting this moment off all week - I just haven't felt ready to write anything (and still don't really) about last weekends National Youth Assembly of the Church of Scotland.

I have been involved in NYA for a number of years and it is the place that I left in 2004 and went home to finally acknowledge God's call to ministry. So it has a very special place in my heart. It is a place that I have witnessed God in so many ways - in the faces of young people, in the care of the staff of 121 and in the infectious enthusiasm for faith of all who attend. NYA is not always easy - we are challenged physically (you try getting up at 6.45 every morning after 4 hours sleep for 3 morning in a row to go for a run!), mentally and spiritually. The programme is packed with worship, discussion, debate, activity and busyness. But it is a weekend that moves.

The theme this year was "End of Part One." At the start of the weekend Steve advised us all that we would leave on Monday a different person to that which we were when we arrived on Friday. He was so right -as he always is!

I am a different person one week on. And I can acknowledge that because of what I heard and witnessed last weekend. NYA had a guest speaker this year - Mark Yaconelli. Each day he spoke to us and challenged us to open up to God. To be honest about our feelings - to let God's love touch us. He had me in tears so many times with his real life stories of love and people whose lives were transformed because they allowed themselves to be loved by God. What was so special about Mark was that he really and genuinely practiced what he preached. He was there as guest speaker - his role was to speak when asked. But he did so much more. He took time to just 'be' with young people. Not for him the convenience of staff lunch (shorter queue); not for him a long lie; not for him leaving the pastoral care team to deal with upset young people. Oh no, he took time to just 'be' with young people, seeking out those he felt needed help, dining with people and being available.

I could write so much more about what Mark did over the weekend (but wont) instead I want to try and explain what has made me take so long to write up my thoughts on NYA. The delay has been because of the personal challenge of what Mark said. The challenge to be completely honest in the eyes of God. As I have said in earlier blogs, I start my probationary period as a ministry candidate in a few weeks time. I finally acknowledged at the weekend that actually I am not that excited about moving onto probation - I might smile and say I am but really inside me I am dreading it. And I am dreading it because I am scared - phew! There I have said it!

I am scared. Scared of what the months will be like - scared I wont like it, scared I will not fit in, scared I wont get on with my supervisor, scared I wont get to do some of the things I want to, scared I'll spend the year drinking tea with little old ladies, scared I will be bored, scared I will have too much to do, scared my life is about to be turned upside down and the lives of all around me, scared I am just not good enough and let everyone down, scared of so much. And yet, and yet I still have the confidence that I am doing the right thing. This isn't about doubting my call, it's not about doubting God - it's about doubting me.

I am one of life's copers (supposedly). I get on and get things done. I am quite capable.I have juggled studying, placements, commuting, family, friends, work and play. The last three years have been hard work but I coped and you know, even if I say so myself, did quite well. Normally I am such a confident person (apparently) and at the moment I am scared.

There were lots of tears at the weekend but thanks to Mark I am not holding them in any more. He taught me that by opening up to God I can face my fears and be honest with myself. In doing that I can allow God to get close and allow him to love me.

I am still working through my thoughts and feelings post NYA but I have this week met with my probation supervisor and I was able to talk through some of my fears with him - so that is good. It seems that I wont spend my 15 months drinking tea with little old ladies afterall! I am glad I could talk to him and feel much better about so much of my fears.

There were others who, last weekend, helped me with the right words at the right time - so thank you to them. I am truly blessed with those people God allows me to encounter. My journey so far has been one of precious moments and precious people.

I am a rag doll - broken and bent. But I am a rag doll loved by God. This I learned by listening and witnessing a very special man. Than you Mark.

Lord God,

remind us when scared to let you in,

remind us that you love us - unconditionally.

remind us that in you we have a friend to trust always.

Thank you for the precious moments and precious encounters with precious people.

Amen