Snooping!

During the week I talked about feeling much better after my wobbles of last week. I have been praying, thinking, discussing, snooping at, pondering this week at possible parishes. So far much effort has gone in to one in particular - but I am trying to remain open to all possibilities.

Yesterday Neil & I went manse snooping and village wandering. Then today I dragged my sister to not one but two church services - I also let her take a peak at the manse. (she is a patient sister!) So far so good.

Next stage is to do same for other possibilities - in part to try and remain open to the possibilities but also to test the feelings I am having about this particular place.

This is all very exciting - it has to be said. Scary too - but in a less terrifying way than I experienced a couple of weeks away.

One of the biggest moves has been to get the rest of the family involved - get them talking more - sharing their ideas, worries etc. I know this move affects them all to varying degrees. It complicates things for some, excites others and upsets some. For so long this has been a "will happen one day - but not quite yet thing, so let's not worry about it" thing. And suddenly for all of us it is VERY real. Of course we have talked about it - on and off - but suddenly it is a major issue that has to be dealt with. The last 5 years have been leading to this. I am so glad I have the people around me that I have - they are great - even in their wobblies they are fab!

Neil - ever efficient Neil - has made up a spreadsheet for me, with a scoring system to boot. Jest as I will about it - it actually helps. It covers everything from the very practical to the very spiritual. It also allows Neil and the kids to score each too. We make a great team!

Anyway - I will be blogging more in the weeks to come as we work our way through the decision making etc - this is why blogging is important - it is giving me space to work through my thoughts. Thank you patient reader!

Pondering Wednesdays

For the second week on the trot I have had a quiet Wednesday and for the second Wednesday on the trot I have been pondering.

Today tho' I took my pondering onto the road and went visiting a potential parish. It has been a lovely day here so I was able to park up have a wee wander round, pop into a cafe for a cup of tea, buy my sandwich for lunch from a surly shop assistant in what was otherwise a lovely shop, snoop at the churches, snoop at the manse, snoop at the schools (lots of snooping you will note), more snooping at views and generally getting a feel for the place. It is a place that I can be fairly anonymous in - although I did bump into some friends - who sussed out exactly what I was up to. (Funnily enough they live just across the road from the manse!)I sometimes think now would be a good time to have Harry Potter as a friend and the be able to borrow his invisibility cloak!!

Anyway I found the trip very helpful and it certainly has me pondering even more....this was a parish I really didn't think I was interested in but... mmmm. I realise I am in for a lot more pondering.

The good news is tho' that I have got over my wobbles (hence the weebles above)from last Wednesday and feel much more in control. I was reminded by a good friend of a wee saying I have posted on my wall (although currently obscured by my printer)It goes:

If God brings you to it
he will bring you through it.

I was originally given this by a young man, who recently asked me if I would conduct his wedding next year. It goes on:

Lord I love you and I need you,
come into my heart today.
For without you I can do nothing

Amen to that!

Reality Strikes!

confused,
excited,
scared,
pursued,
happy,
questioning,
uncertain,

I am a mixed bag of emotions at the moment - it has been a busy few weeks and I really haven't had much time to reflect on what is happening at the moment. I am trying really hard to take one step at a time - but things/others are really not letting that happen. Today is the first day in over a fortnight when I have really had time on my own and the peace to work through how I am feeling - and the list above just about covers it.

I really am loving my placement at the moment - so much going on and so much to be involved in. And I really do feel part of it all. But I know that just around the corner change is about to happen - change that keeps peeking round the corner at ME! As much as I have resisted peeking round that particular corner - it keeps peeking at me. If it were just me that was affected then I might be dealing with it a bit better but it affects so many people...people I love....people I don't even know...

Argh!!!

Lord,
I am so trying to hear your voice amidst the noise,
help me get rid of the tinnitus distracting me,
help me work through your plan,
keep those I love close to me,
let them see that they are important.
This is my prayer.
Amen

Reflective Practitioner? Moi?

Part of the reason for starting this blog was to aid my reflective processes - which is why every so often I indulge in a wee review of what has been happening in the last few months.

Today seems a good time to review. I got word today that I had passed my Church Law essay - which was a relief as I wasn't so sure it was any good - but apparently it was! Passing this means that there remains just one hurdle between me and looking for a charge of my own later this early/early next year. That hurdle being my final review - which should take place late September.

So what of the last few months? Well so far this year I have preached in 3 different countries!!! Who would have thought eh? This NE lass has been to Malta and Rome and preached in both Church of Scotland churches in these countries. If a year ago someone would have suggested this I would have laughed. But I have been and done it! And the experiences were both fantastic.

The trip to Malta came about when my home minister move there to become the Minister at the joint Church of Scotland/Methodist charge in Valletta. Doug - my then minister, had been a huge support to me and it was a real pleasure to be at his induction. It was especially nice to be invited to preach during his first service as the new minister of St Andrew's Valletta.















Rome was just a couple of weeks ago - and it really was quite an experience. The CofS in Rome has a church which sits in amongst a lot of Government Buildings (the Ministry of Defence is just across the road!) The church has a small apartment for visiting clergy etc which sits on top of the church on the roof terrace,the view from which is just awesome. The congregation are just wonderful and made us feel so welcome. We helped out with some outreach work they do for the refugee community in Rome - 500 packed lunches are made up and distributed every week.

Rome itself is just a fascinating city - one guide book described it as an open air museum and art gallery - and it really is! If you like art and culture then you will love Rome. It is hard to pick a favourite but it would be a toss up between the Trevi Fountain and St Peter's. Incidentally we could see St Peter's from the roof terrace - and spent each evening watch the sun go down over Rome and St Peter's lighting up. All I can say about that is 'wow!'














I feel so fortunate to have had these opportunities - they have given Neil and I so many great memories and I feel quite spoiled by extra opportunities for travel they have afforded us. And my travels this year are not finished - a road trip to London via Manchester in July and a family holiday in Tunisia are still to come....I know - spoiled!!!

I am now more than half way through my probationary placement - and it just gets better and better. I really feel part of things and have a great relationship with everyone that is part of the ministry and staff team. My supervisor from the word go has treated me with respect and trusts me to get on with things - but is always there and willing to share his opinion and advise. This has really helped boost my confidence. The congregation have made me so welcome and genuinely seem to enjoy having me around - something that still takes me by surprise!!

So as I reflect over the last 8 months I have had a ball! I have travelled to new places and made so many new friends. I have faced challenges and met them. I continue to grow as a person.

God truly is amazing - the NE lass is continually taken by surprise at the opportunities he gives me, the way he guides me and the love he showers me with.

So much to do, so little time...

Its been a busy few days and the next 36 hours will be no different!

I set off for Rome at lunchtime on Tuesday and have to have a service and sermon ready before I go. The service is more or less done but the sermon has yet to begin! lol
I also have to sort out a wee list of things - euros, sandals, birthday cards, money for the kids, make up spare room for Suzie.....so much to do and so little time!

But I am also very excited about the rest of the week. Neil and I will be staying at the Church of Scotland in Rome - I am taking the service there on Sunday, whilst Rev Willie McCulloch is at the General Assembly. I feel so very fortunate to have this opportunity - and it was just a case of being in the right place at the right time. As well as seeing as many of the sights as we can squeeze in we are also going to get involved in an outreach that the church does amongst refugees in Rome - each week volunteers make up around 500 pack lunches on a Thursday morning and then give them out at lunchtime Thursday & Friday.

One of the highlights will be a visit to the Vatican. Apparently we will be able to see it from the roof terrace where the bed sit we are staying in is situated.

To cheer you all up - I checked the weather forecast for the next five days - lets just say I have packed the sun cream and shorts!

We get back next monday and after a quick turn around its off to my final probationers conference and a wedding at the end of that week.....life is tough :-)

Agreeing to differ

I watched this clip and would encourage you to watch it too. It shows two quite opposing views on the call to Queens Cross Church of Scott Rennie.

I am impressed by the calm way in which the discussion is held - no interference from a interviewer - just a straight forward discussion.

But nailing my colours firmly to the wall - I was particularly impressed by the calm grace of Ewan Gilchrist. He speaks for me- thank you Ewan.

I come to the garden alone

I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

He speaks, and the sound of His voice,
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

I’d stay in the garden with Him
Though the night around me be falling,
But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

C. Austin Miles

We sang these beautiful words at our evening service last night. My supervisor had used the words during a funeral yesterday. I had not heard them before but I was touched by them. Its an old fashioned hymn - if you want to hear the tune that goes with it you will find it here.

The words of the refrain speak to me of the very personal relationship we each have with God. As we walk with our Lord no one call tell us what that relationship is like; no one can tells us what it should be; it just is. And that means we each experience it in a different way. There may be commonalities but there most certainly will be a uniqueness to each relationship.

My prayer for this moment is that we can all acknowledge our differences but rejoice in our commonalities. We have a Lord that loves each and everyone of us - with all our individual eccentricities. None of us perfect - ALL of us Rag dolls - broken and bent.

Amen

The photo above is of our front garden - taken a few years ago.

Measured words

Many of you will be aware of the objection that was made by some people against Aberdeen Presbytery's decision to ratify the right of Queen's Cross Church to call their choice of minister. This situation will now come before the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland later this month.

There is much discussion about the rights and wrongs of the objection. The lifestyle of the chosen minister would seem to be the real issue. An Overture from the Presbytery of Lochcarron and Skye has also been tabled that will send fear into the lives of many LGBT members/elders as well as ministers of our fine Kirk.

I have read many fine words from both 'sides' but the following link is from a blog that, to me, graciously looks at the situation and makes some fine observations. Thank you Iain for your wise and measured words. You show the grace so lacking in many places.

Thanks ASBO you put is so perfectly!

http://asbojesus.wordpress.com/2009/05/02/713/

Sometimes I despair that people can get so hot under the collar about one issue but let bigger more important ones go bye without a murmur!!

Endings and beginnings

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1

This week I have made a big decision and carried it through. As you may be aware from some of my posts I have been heavily involved in a youth project in my town, both as a director and as a volunteer. A number of factors have 'helped' me reach the decision that I should no longer remain on the Board of Directors.

This has been quite a difficult decision and one that wasn't without the need for tissues. But for all concerned I feel the time has come to step back. The next year will be one of huge change for us as a family and breaking ties is one of the things we have to do. I also feel that I am no longer able to contribute in the way I would want to.

But I am sad. Sad that this point has come, sad that I will no longer be part of seeing the vision of the project through and sad that I was the last of the 'original' Board members.

But as the writer of Ecclesiastes so clearly puts it - there is a time for everything - and this time has come.

I am immensely proud of what our project has achieved and hope it can continue to help young people grow and develop. The young people I have been in contact with over the last 6 years or so are what the project is about.


And so I now turn a new corner and feeling less stressed and weighed down I can concentrate on enjoying the remaining months on placement. I can look forward to the challenges of the next year with one less tie to break. There will be more, but I have made a start!!

Forgotten...

Had fully intended doing a reflection on the last 6 months following my Interim Review today. But instead I am feeling quite fed up. The reason? Well - my review happened with only my supervisor and Presbytery Rep in attendance - no person from HQ- it seems in amongst holiday plans my review was overlooked.

It wasn't that I was worried about my review - I knew what my supervisor had written in his report and was happy with that. And I know everything is going well but I was just left feeling a wee bit overlooked. Petty and needy? Well even us copers needs some affirmation sometimes! I was looking forward to someone from outside to look in and say yes - this is going well. Or if there was something lacking to point it out so it could be addressed.

So if you dont mind, today I just want to be a bit self-indulgent and go.....humph!!!

Where two or more....

Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.–Matt. 18:20


In my home town the churches all get together to 'do' Holy Week. One congregation acts as host and the others take a turn at either leading the worship - or as the local Priest did tonight, do the meditation/talk/sermon.

This year the local Scottish Episcopal Church are the hosts. At last night's service we were invited to attend Morning Prayers at 8.30am each morning this week. So I thought that would be a grand idea and a good way to start my day. So off I set this morning - not really knowing what to expect and when I arrived, appart from the Vicar I was the only one there! And it remained like that.

The Vicar explained that she has to do Morning and Evening Prayers each day and usually she would do this at home - as no-one comes. But for Holy Week she opens the church and does it there - whether anyone comes or not.

So we sat together and followed the Liturgy as laid out in the useful wee daily Prayer books. It was peaceful and quiet and as we said the prayers together it felt good - God was indeed there.

Long Life

The last couple of weeks have been the busiest of my probation so far - and also the most real.

There have been the school Easter Assemblies, worship leading, pastoral visiting, meetings and more meetings, discussions about cups versus bowls for soup, Guild AGMs and this week a real highlight - I met the neice and nephew of a man whose funeral I am taking on Tuesday next week. A highlight because I have the priviledge of doing a funeral of a man who lived to the grand age of 99! There is of course sadness in his passing and he was so close to that landmark 100th birthday. But what a celebration too - 99 years of mostly good health and independence.

My great granny was 96 when she died - she too lived a mostly independent life and I have great memories of visiting her and munching the pancakes that she would bake for us - and of her sweetie bowl from which, if we were good, we were allowed to take a sweet on the way out. She was a grand old lady and I so glad that I knew her. her life story was amazing, starting in Norway and ending up in Ballater via Oregan in the US. It was whilst in Oregan that she met my great granddad - a scot. Apparently it is from my great granny that I get my colouring - although not sure I am very grateful of the freckles! I would like to know more about her and for some reason I feel an affinity to her.

I wonder what lies ahead...will I live into my nineties? Do I want to? mmmm....


Naeroy Vally - Norway

Fired up

I was quite shocked to see how long it had been since I last posted something - but I have been away and on top of that I am lacking inspiration.

But one thing does spring to mind today. At church this morning it was communion and the minister led a really lovely service. Hi sermon focused on taking time to work out what God wants of us and he reminded us of our promise to serve. He used the analogy of a steam train and how it needs grease for the wheels, wheels to move and coal to stock the fire and glow. I loved the image of being fired up for Christ. The minister was certainly fired up and glowing today.

I have been feeling quite fired up myself lately but I know I am not always like that. There are times that I want to hide from God and not be his visible presence. But I know that there is no hiding and what I should be doing is finding ways to keep my fire glowing.

One thing that is helping is the lenten journey that Christian Aid have put together - a Journey to Jerusalem that you can do on line. For someone who is an internet addict this is ideal!

Fitting right in.

Been thinking I should take some time to reflect on how probation is going. And do you know? I think it is going just fine.

In the run up to Christmas, although I was enjoying myself, I felt I wasn't busy enough and was a little concerned that I wasn't doing enough to keep the powers at B happy. But how things change!

I am putting it all down to having settled in. I feel I am part of what is going on and that I have gained the trust of everyone in the church. I am quite excited about about things we are developing and about to start.

Bit of background - 4 services a week (2 Sunday am, Wed eve and Thursday lunch), 2 Churches. There are 3 full time and 1 part time (auxiliary) in the ministry team. I feel very much part of the team. It sounds like we are lucky to have so many of us and I acknowledge we are. But the potential is huge - there is so much to do and that could be done.

My supervisor and I have been working together on a regular once a month all age service. It's going well and I have a really good feeling that something is happening that is special.

I have another rather exciting project that the Kirk Session have agreed I can try. One of the concerns the church has at the moment is the litter and graffiti caused by people hanging around on the steps of the church. They are planning to erect railings as a way of protecting the building. My concern is the message this will send to the, predominately, young group of people that use the church steps. So I am working towards doing some outreach with this group. The plan being to start a discussion with them and, as away of breaking the ice, we are going to come out from the church with hot chocolate to serve to those on the steps. We will do this over a fixed number of weeks at the same time each week. My hope is that we can let the young people know that the church does not dislike them but that we have to do something to protect the fabric of the building. The church is in the middle of a pedestrian precinct and will always attract people to the steps. I have a dream of where this outreach could take us....but for now I am looking for volunteers to help me. I have one already - just need another 2. (one kind lady has volunteered to donate biscuits! lol)

As well as this project, I have been asked to be part of the core group for a stewardship campaign. This is an exciting opportunity to show the people of the town what the church is about and to celebrate what we do.

So you can see that I should not have had any fears of not having enough to do....lol...why was I worried? I just needed to give it time and settle in.

John 11:35

So what do you think? Am I mad? Is this a mid life crisis kind of action?

It is actually the result of much thought and much deliberation. I talked about getting a tattoo done as a graduation gift to myself. I have not rushed into as you can see. But I have also put a lot of thought into what to get done and where to put it.

I wanted something meaningful and I wanted it somewhere that would mostly be hidden. It came to me that I would like a piece of Scripture - but I didn't want it to be too obvious.

The result of my deliberations is what you see above. John 11:35 - the shortest verse in the Bible. It is a verse that, to me, shows Christ's humanity at it's rawest. It shows that despite his divinity Christ was truly and fully human. He felt pain - emotional pain. He really did feel the raft of emotions that you and I understand as the essence of our human being.

Jesus Christ , my saviour - our saviour, felt loss. He grieved. He understood - indeed understands the pain of grief. This man that I love - this divinity that I love, really truly understands. And that is awesome!!


John 11:35 "Jesus wept."

How many 'me's are there?

This is the question posed by Stewart. He puts it slightly differently but essentially he asks how many different aspects are there to your life/persona. Here is what I posted in reply:

"Like you there is the ‘me’ that is in and of the world - I am involved in my community, I socialise in that same community - go to the pub, the gym, the shops. I love my community - I grew up in it, I cant walk down the street without bumping into lots of people that I know and who have known me for a long long time. I am a mother and wife - my kids and hubby are very precious to me. All of this part of me has helped shape me into the forty something I am.

I too have worked for the ‘church’ albeit the denomination I belong to. I now find myself training for the ministry in that same church. I have never been more content in what I ‘do’. It feels so right - whether it is leading worship or sitting holding an old lady’s hand whilst she tells me what is worrying her or even joining in with the kids at Sundays school. This ‘me’ is a content me. Working for the church allowed me to find this person.

At the moment because I am on a placement in a different town to that in which I live - these two ‘me’s don't seem to meet very often. Except, perhaps, when I know someone that someone else knows. The family don’t come to church with me - they prefer their long lies and work. But they do support me - 100%. For us, what might cause others conflict or concern, seems to work quite well. And that is despite the fact that in around a years time I might be asking them to leave our home and community to set up somewhere new. (Ask me again about this in a years time!!!)

Can I reconcile these two ‘me’s? I think I can. The two may only collide in me the person - but they both contribute to the whole ‘me’. They both influence the way I look at the world. There is cross pollination - I live my life in my community with an ethic and outlook shaped by my faith. My faith is in turn influenced by the world around me. And that is the way I think it should be."


I now want to go a step further and make this observation: I am a Christian and I belong to a community of faith BUT that does not exclude me from being of the world and community in which I live. My faith, as I said above, has helped shape me. But so has my community. I care about my community and in so doing I get involved. I have on a number of occasions got stuck in and joined various committees - including an action group to campaign for new play equipment for the local park, I have been chair of the Playgroup Committee, the School Board and even sat on the Community Council. I have for the last 6/7 years been heavily involved in a youth project in the town. But I am not sure that I ever thought to myself "I am a Christian and as such I must go out and help"- I have helped because I saw a need - I wanted to help.

Perhaps my faith has encouraged me to want to help - but it has not been my conscious motivator. I have instinctively got involved. And that is the crux of - instinctively I serve. Perhaps this is where my two 'me's collide?

One thing I am certain of is that God has called me to serve the church and my community - it is not one or the other, it's both. Not for me the Hauerwas world of Christians leaving the Christian huddles and 'doing' good works in the world before scurrying back to their Christian huddles. For me it is important to live in the world and be of the world. That is how I can best live out my faith and best share that love of God with others.

Sorry for the rather lengthy post - blame Stewart for getting me thinking!!!

I am a Christian get me out of here!

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I set of for one of the conferences I have to attend as a probationer minister. Normally I set off for these things quite enthusiastically, but for some reason not as excited as usual. Not sure why. I am looking forward to seeing everyone and catching up. Maybe it is the programme - although some of it looks really good. I think the main reason is the venue. Now don't get me wrong I have been to this place several times and it really is a beautiful old house in a lovely setting - but it always makes me feel hemmed in - almost claustrophobic.



We arrive tomorrow and leave on Friday afternoon - during that time we are kept quite busy from first thing til about 9.30pm. So the days are long and then we socialise - my fav bit it has to be said - and actually quite an important time. Getting to know my fellow probationers better (I have now known most of them for 3-4 years) is important - these are and will remain my colleagues and contemporaries in ministry.

It will be interesting to reflect at the end of the week - not sure how I will feel about it. But for now I need to get to bed...sleep may be at a premium this week!

Picture 'Friendly Pressure' by Geoff Grandfield www.geoffgrandfield.co.uk

Out of nothing...

I used the following during our all age worship this morning. I thought it was beautiful and challenging all at the same time. Beautiful in the way it is written - the challenge being the potential in each of us as seen by God and the possibilities - if only we let him.

Creation out of Nothing by Peter Dainty from The Electric Bible

Darkness is nothing
but the absense of light;
and, out of nothing,
God made all things visible,
sparking the empty black
with blazing stars
an innumerable mornings.

Silence is nothing
but the absense of sound;
and, out of nothing
God made all things audible,
plucking the noiseless tension
into the throbbing music
of creation's song of joy.

Stillness is nothing
but the lack of movement;
and, out of nothing,
God made all things move,
broadcasting seeds of life
in the growing fields of space.

God's nature always is
to turn poor nothings
into something great.
He called weak slaves
to be his chosen nation;
he made a dying man
the world's salvation;
and from the grave he raised
a new creation.

If from such nothings
God makes all things new,
what might he, in his wisdom,
make of me and you?

We are amazing creatures - so full of potential, so loved by God.

Parental love

"You are my Son, chosen and marked by my love, pride of my life." Mark 1:11 The Message

At the grand old age of 40 (well for the next six weeks anyway) you would think that I would feel all grown up and quite independent of my parents. The truth is that I still look to my parents for their approval. Not for everything - my mums face was a picture when she saw our holiday snaps, once she got over the shock of my wearing a bikini (too skimpy apparently) her eyes then stopped on the tattoo on my upper thigh! But for bigger more important things. Having them at my graduation earlier this year was a BIG thing for them and it was a BIG thing for me too, having them there. I know that at that moment that they were proud of me - I was fulfilling my promise; this was for them too.


As a parent myself I am extremely proud of both my kids. They are both very different but both wonderful and hopefully 'marked by my love' and definitely 'pride of my life.' I hope they do not feel that they are constantly having to seek my approval. I hope I tell them often enough how much I love them and how proud I am of them. (Not that they are perfect - know one is!!!)

God - Abba - Daddy. As a daughter of God, I know that I am loved. And I know that my heavenly daddy might not always be best pleased with me. Perhaps I ignore him too often, or I do and say things that must make him frown. But regardless I know he loves me. He is the parent I want to be.

"You are my Son, chosen and marked by my love, pride of my life."